just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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