Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
