just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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