At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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