I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
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When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
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Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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