You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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