Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
