We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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