I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
