you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
