??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
