I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
