Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
