Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
