she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Randomize
