I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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