Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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