If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
