It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
