I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
