Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
