No stitches, just platelets and will power
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
