she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
