Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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