I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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