It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
