I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
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If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
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Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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