butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
