Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
