Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
