dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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