So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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