So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
