She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
