I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
