Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
