The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
