I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
