The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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