i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
