My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
