you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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