somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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