dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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