What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just gift wrapped bread.
So many bounce houses so little time
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
