shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
