She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
