Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
