I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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