peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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