Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode