Texts From Last Night

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  (425): View more from Washington

  I proposed and she said yes man.

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?

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  (425): I proposed and she said yes man. (1-425): You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right? http://tfl.nu/wbvk
  Replies (25) Good night (5795) Bad night (870)
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.

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  (518): I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok. http://tfl.nu/zi5p
  Replies (7) Good night (716) Bad night (3138)
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  (347): View more from New York

  Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

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  (347): Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account. http://tfl.nu/m8a3
  Replies (65) Good night (1502) Bad night (19579)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.

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  (503): my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed. http://tfl.nu/r7o8
  Replies (5) Good night (1169) Bad night (5558)
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

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  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
  Replies (23) Good night (11723) Bad night (1398)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.

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  (317): I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once. http://tfl.nu/p9x8
  Replies (0) Good night (1906) Bad night (995)
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  (909): View more from California

  It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?

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  (909): It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it? http://tfl.nu/yjug
  Replies (8) Good night (1871) Bad night (664)
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.

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  (614): at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure. http://tfl.nu/2f8p
  Replies (9) Good night (1773) Bad night (1033)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..

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  (443): So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses.. http://tfl.nu/gsxe
  Replies (14) Good night (1760) Bad night (525)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.

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  (912): I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me. http://tfl.nu/0i4v
  Replies (17) Good night (494) Bad night (992)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?

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  (570): You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award? http://tfl.nu/wwxx
  Replies (9) Good night (857) Bad night (584)
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  (619): View more from California

  We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.

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  (619): We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows. http://tfl.nu/xsuo
  Replies (7) Good night (2474) Bad night (338)
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.

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  (908): I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country. http://tfl.nu/dr7f
  Replies (2) Good night (827) Bad night (204)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.

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  (505): He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him. http://tfl.nu/ihkb
  Replies (2) Good night (592) Bad night (429)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.

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  (701): Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5. http://tfl.nu/g6zt
  Replies (4) Good night (292) Bad night (996)

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