Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
