i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
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