take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
