how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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