I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
