My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
