Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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