Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
