he puts the penis in happiness.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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