ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
