what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
